on this rainy monday morning

Not that long ago
I feared my cell phone.
When it rang
deep, hot panic hit my body.
This panic did not appear overnight
but rather after months
maybe years
of crisis phone calls.
Calls from the school....
"your son has panicked and run off the school grounds".
Calls from the doctors and therapists....
"we need to discuss hospitalization".
Calls from the hospitals....
"we need to keep discuss an extended stay option"
Calls from the insurance company....
"your claim has been denied, again"
Calls from my distraught son.....
"you hate me, I want to die!".
Daily phone calls
sometimes hourly
or more
conditioning me to flinch and dread each incoming call or text.
Those phone calls have slowed down over the last year
as we have inch wormed our way to more stable ground.
There are still hard moments
but for the most part
we are currently out of crisis.
We have entered a rhythm of medication,
therapy,
a solid IEP
and coping strategies
that are working for us
at the moment.
And most of the time
I don't flinch when I hear my phone ring.
Today was a rocky morning
He has his first round of high school finals today.
There has been mounting anxiety all weekend.
Small fits of panicky rage colored our morning.
I dropped him off at school with a brief encouragement
a smile
and a silent prayer
that this morning would not set us back too far.
This year
his first year of high school
has gone better than I ever could have imagined
and I do find myself
waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us from time to time.
When the phone rang
an hour after I dropped the boy off at school
fear hit me and I held my breath.
I didn't want to look
I immediately expected the worst.
I checked the phone,
it was a text
from the boy.
Still not breathing, I read it.....
"I passed unit 3 with 82%!!"
And I took a deep breath
while tears quickly rolled down my face.
Thankfulness.
Relief.
Hopefulness.
Delight in the small victories
of a happy text message.